I shouldn't. No, really, I shouldn't. I've had enough. Enough... minus one. One more? Ok, one more. That's it.

      You know- you know- you know, you hear about these places and you think they're just bril-tastic, and you get there and you see it first hand and it's- it's something else. God damn is it something else. You get those spam e-mails and they just fill up your box and usually, you know which ones are real and which ones are fake, but every now and then, one looks legit, like it says, I dunno, "Re: Hi" or something, and you think to yourself, that looks real. And you open it and it offers you a cock pump for 34.95$, which is pretty good for a cock pump. So I open up this email, right? And it's advertising for one of those places. Be on a website! Adult friend action! You know? I've seen the sites before, so I'm thinking, they gotta be similaic, right? So I go to this place and I go inside and there's just- just- just all the people fucking. They're just fucking everywhere. Fucking to my left and fucking to my right. On couches, on the floor, in chairs, on the bar, on top of other people. There are couples fucking on top of other couples. I don't know if that qualifies as a foursome or as... a table... I don't know. Now, I didn't know this website, be I figured, everybody's gotta bestart somewhere. It was kinda interesting to see at first actually. All these people not societetically doing what they're supposed to be doing. I'm, needless to say, not used to this. I'm just not used to seeing people fuckify each other all over the place. But, when in Rome, I thought. Now... I'm not the smalliest person. I've plumpified myself pretty big, you know? I throw my clothes in this closet-thing, I guess it's supposed to be a coat closet, and I sit down in this chair and I wait. I'm just time passing and nothings going on. I feel like I'm in my going through the Oedipal conflict all over again... except I don't win THIS time. I cross my arms over my chest so that I don't look like I have tits, cause I think maybe that's what's keeping me from the party. I'm just waiting there... and waiting... and waiting... I even remember wishing I had a book to mollivant myself with. Not like a nudie book, but like... Harry Potter or something. Something engaging, but where would I keep it? No pockets. So, I'm looking at these chicks just walking from one guy to another like pinballs in a machine.

      Balls. No? Forget it. It's not important... stupid. Whatever, I see this one guy and he gets up and... Now I'm no fag-baby... or queer-toddler... or homo infant... but this guy is good looking. This one girl, over here, is going down on some guy and this-this-this Adonis Golgothacan of a man walks right over and... He becomes a constipator. No? You know, He ruins her shit. Get it? No. Forget it... it's... ok. So-so-so-so I think, OK! Gotta make the first move. So I see this one girl all alone... taking a breather I guess, and she's sitting at the bar. I walk up to her just stark nude, and I grab one of her ankles in one hand and my throbbing hard AVERAGE SIZED, NOT SMALL, cock in my other hand and she flips a shit. Not-not in a good way. Well, Expardon me! My bad! I thought that's the way it was! Not with a fat fuck like me, I guess, right? Right?? One more. Pour one more.

      I have to get out of there. Place like that; all you need is one embarrassment to just completely shatter your confidence. I go and I grab my clothes and I go to the bathroom to put em on, but there's people fucking in the bathroom! I can't get away from all the fucking. "STOP FUCKING AND GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM" I scream! But nobody listens. I put all my clothes back on, except for my tie, and I get out of there. And I just sit outside on the curb trying to catch my breath and keep from crying my eyes out. Keep from-from throwing up. Somebody walks up to me from behind and taps me on the shoulder and asks me if I'm ok. And I turn around... and sure enough... It's David-Fucking-Mamet. "You just come from in there?" He asks me, and I try to nod... but I can't. And he sits down next to me and says "You ever been to Key West? It's in Florida. You ever been to Florida. It's beautiful. In Key West Florida, they have the most beautiful women in the world, hands down. All tastes. You ever fucked a chink?

      Chinks are the new blondes. They're so grateful. So many Chinks in Key West, you'd think it was Vietnam again. You don't like Chinks, they got Cubans. These Cubans float over on rafts and shit. Give em' a dollar, they'll fuck their brains out. Don't be shocked. It's what people do in Key West. Tourists and fuckers. That's all there is in Key West. Sand, Tourists, and Fuckers. Get yourself to Florida. You'll have more fun" Then he walks inside the place. I scream for a cab, tell him "Take me to the closest bar... besides this one" Two dollars and sixty cents later, I'm here. And-and-an I know it's not your job to listen to me, but it's nice... and I really appreciate it... and yes... I'd love another drink if you're offering.

About the author:

My name is Ryan Duke, an admitted Jake Penzell fan. Jake entrusted me with writing his bio for him. Jake may be the greatest mind of this or any other century. If I were an attractive woman, I would try to get with Jake because the character of Indiana Jones is based on him. I love Jake Penzell. Jake can be contacted by Email: Gohan77092@aol.com. He's always looking for new assignments and loves to talk to fans.

This bio was written by Jake Penzell and in no way expresses the opinions of any member of The Green Flash staff. Burn.